In January I will not succumb to the skiing bug despite all the pressure my friends may put me under. I will, however, placate them by promising to go in July.
In February I will not reply to any of the hundreds of Valentine cards I receive from my fans and other admirers. I will, however, continue to dream about the cards piling up in my letter box.
In March I will not show any glee whatsoever when Wales beat France in this years six nations championship. I will, however, accept any offers of a drink my friends offer me as compensation.
In April I will not order a case of Champagne to celebrate my birthday. I will, however, accept with joy any offers to do so.
In May I will not spend 50% of every lesson reminding my students about the importance of correct use of the comma and semi-colon in spoken English. Instead, I will make them read Lynne Truss’ book every week of the month.
In June I will not put the microphones at full blast during our concert for the annual music festival. Instead, I will use my natural, stentorian voice to make just as much noise without using the microphones.
In July, I will not weigh down my suitcase with books. In fact, less than half the weight of my case will be due to books. Good job the kilobytes on my e-book reader don’t weigh a thing.
In August I will neither sing, nor dance, nor revel in any other than way during the International Celtic Festival at Lorient. Instead, I will get my wife to tie me down to a chair to prevent such excesses occurring. Of course, it will have to be a wheelchair so that the chair can do all the dancing for me.
In September I will not buy yet another tie I only wear for my business classes. I will search for a tie swapping site on the internet to give the false impression I’m keeping up with the Joneses.
In October I will refuse to shed any tears when my daughter leaves home for a year’s study in Russia. Instead I will drown myself in the pools of water caused by all the tears I will not shed. But the resurrection will come in time to visit her sometime during her stay.
In November I will not join the population of France as they tear through the shopping centres in a bid to find the ultimate present that’s not wanted for the persons you really don’t want to give anything to anyway. Presents, sure but simple and sincere.
In December I will waste no time thinking up anti-resolutions for 2013. So expect to see a repeat performance this time next year. Don’t worry, I’m very bad at keeping my resolutions, both the genuine and the anti- variety.